Pork Katsu is life

    (Akai Lounge in Westfield, NJ)

    Hey! So here I am trying to update. Let's see how things go and if I can keep this up. I'm hoping that I get back into the swing of things. I mainly like to blog because I'm able to capture moments. It's different than posting images on social media where I just capture good moments. This blog feels more private to me. I am able to post how I truly feel. I can be myself here without fear or consequence. It's so important that I keep being me and work towards progressing. Yesterday, I saw a therapist and being able to talk to someone without judgement has been fantastic for me. I want to keep going and learn how to deal with things before they escalate. It's been something that I never thought I would have considered but now the stigma is gone. I encourage those who want to go as well to just go. Do it for yourself! It's not something that should be frowned upon. We all need to take care of ourselves and nurture what's inside. It's important that we take steps to be happy in life. *Two cents thrown in here. 

Hi all,

I've been feeling shitty as of late. 

I want to be happy. How does one become happy?  What can I do to overcome this feeling of despair?

I honestly don't know who I am at this point. I don't like who I have become but I'm not sure how to stop the cycle. I feel like I have a lot of relearning to do. I need to find who I am as a person and love myself. 

I've been struggling in a relationship where I'm not even sure if it's even worth it anymore. I want to call it quits but its difficult when you feel as though your love is still there. I often ask myself if I am making the right choice by being with this person. When I view things rationally and take myself out of the equation I would have advised my close friend to leave that person.  Why is it that I  can give this advice? But I can't seem to follow it myself. 

I hate that my mind and heart don't cooperate together. 

I have so much I want to write and say but the words are stuck. There's a giant lump in my throat that can't seem to put into words everything that I want to let out. Inside I feel like I'm so lost and scared. I don't know what it is I want and how to do better, be better. 

I have these tattoos of a birdcage and birds flying out of it. I don't really view it everyday it's something that I just live with. But today the meaning of the tattoo struck me deeply. Right now, I'm embodying the bird trapped inside. I want desperately to be free and soar but don't know how.

(I'm going to end this post here).

Job Interviews

I have been trying to find a job these last couple of months to no avail. It's a little frustrating when you go on interview after interview and end up with nothing. I want to give up but I know in the end I'll find a job if I keep on applying. *Fingers crossed. 

After my interview I decided to get something to eat with my bf. He's been driving me to my interviews since I can't drive and I wanted to treat him at least once. He's been so patient with me on my search and it means a lot to me that he is taking the time to take me. We went to a nearby ramen place and it was beyond yummy. I have been to at least 15 different ramen places in New Jersey, New York, and Japan. The ramen place which is a fusion of Japanese/Chinese cuisine called, "Rai Rai Ramen' is a 8.5/10. I'm actually surprised that I liked it so much would definitely recommend going back!

Korean bbq

Two weeks ago I tried Korean bbq for the first time with my bf and it was yummy!

They kept bringing out plate after plate. I didn't even know when it would stop and how I could possibly finish. It was such a lot of food that I recommend getting if you are super hungry. In this case  I was moderately hungry but I challenged myself to finish. Looking at this picture makes me want to go back!

Trying to cook steak?

 

        A couple of weeks ago  I tried cooking steak with my bf and that was a failure. We ended up smoking up the whole house. The steak ended up not being cooked all the way so we had to go back and finish cooking it off. If anyone has any tips on how to cook steak, feel free to leave a comment. 

In the meantime I'll keep practicing until I make the perfect steak. Ciao!

Comic

The story behind the picture: Basically after I shower I don't brush my hair so you can only imagine the tangles. And this annoys my bf so he's always offering to brush my hair because he likes to and wants it to be be nice and smooth. But I'm lazy so I leave it as is. (hehe)

Thoughts

As I write this my little sister (who is no longer 'little' because she's taller) is listening to Disney songs. I'm having another epiphany! I was walking home today and I started thinking about how I feel. I want to be happier and feel as though I am fulfilled. I'm tired (not just the regular tired) I just feel like I'm exhausted of life. I want things to go right but make bad choices. I want to be happy but I don't try to change. I want to do so many things but I don't. I'm tired of everything. Which isn't true. I'm just tired of over-analyzing things and putting myself down. I'm tired of feeling sad over things that might or might not be in my control. I just want to live. (I know, I know I am). But I just think happiness is so fleeting. I think the times I was most happiest is when I felt that I was working towards something. Maybe that's not even true. I'm not sure anymore. I do remember sometimes that I have felt sad, lonely, and lost. I wanted to just isolate myself and not talk to anyone. It also helped to fake it. To fake being a certain way and being able to just go day by day until my feelings changed. 

 But now I feel the same as before and I don't know how to get out of it. I want to be able to wake up and feel like myself again. Do I even know how that is? I don't know if I can look in the mirror and say I know who I am anymore. I don't know who is looking back. I know who I want to become. 

I want to become a success, happier, and feel stronger. 

I want to regain who I am and what I have lost.

I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I'm tired of feeling as though nothing I do is right. 

I want to become a better person for myself. I want to strive for more for myself. I want to push myself for me. I want to feel understood and loved. 

Writing this just makes me want to cry and I'm not even sure why. I don't know if its because I have come to this realization or I'm truly lost.

On a positive note, I know things will get better because I'm choosing now to stop wallowing in self-pity and do something about it. 

That's that, Ciao!

Billy Joel

This past Wednesday I was finally able to see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden. It's been one of those things that I've been wanting to do for awhile now. I've been listening to his music for years now! In fact one of my tattoos is inspired by his song, "Vienna." His music, his songs struck such a chord within me. It brings me back to a time and a place in my life that I can think of so fondly. I am so glad I had the opportunity to go! Next, is seeing Elton John in his farewell tour. :)

Snow!

(Cheesy picture of me taken when I went skiing.) 

So I've been slacking when it comes to trying to lose weight. One day I'm all onboard and the next I'm eating like there's no tomorrow. I'm going to attempt to go to the gym and begin to eat healthy. One way or another I'm going to reach my goal. Besides that, I've been applying to jobs and (ah!) it snowed again. This weather is really fickle! I'm hoping it begins to look up so I can hit the track and run. Here's to working out and being healthy! 

Ramen and more

Here is some gratuitous food porn! I am trying to watch my weight because I managed to gain about 15 extra pounds. I've been trying to watch my portions because I really want to go back to the weight I was most comfortable in. But its hard to do so when you have all these different temptations at your disposal. I have to think of the end goal and have more discipline. How hard do you find it to not give into your desires? 

You must think that I'm a fool, You must think that I am new to this...

Images from the last time I went snowboarding. It was a disaster of sorts but I made it out alive. Triumph! I might need all the luck I can get, so wish me luck this time around. I am currently listening to Sam Smith "Too Good for Goodbyes" (Eargasm) On a side note Elton John's tickets are currently on sale (gah! Must get it before they all sell out and it's his last tour "gasp.")

I'm going to go back to listening to music and binge watch Netflix movies xD.