Thoughts

As I write this my little sister (who is no longer 'little' because she's taller) is listening to Disney songs. I'm having another epiphany! I was walking home today and I started thinking about how I feel. I want to be happier and feel as though I am fulfilled. I'm tired (not just the regular tired) I just feel like I'm exhausted of life. I want things to go right but make bad choices. I want to be happy but I don't try to change. I want to do so many things but I don't. I'm tired of everything. Which isn't true. I'm just tired of over-analyzing things and putting myself down. I'm tired of feeling sad over things that might or might not be in my control. I just want to live. (I know, I know I am). But I just think happiness is so fleeting. I think the times I was most happiest is when I felt that I was working towards something. Maybe that's not even true. I'm not sure anymore. I do remember sometimes that I have felt sad, lonely, and lost. I wanted to just isolate myself and not talk to anyone. It also helped to fake it. To fake being a certain way and being able to just go day by day until my feelings changed. 

 But now I feel the same as before and I don't know how to get out of it. I want to be able to wake up and feel like myself again. Do I even know how that is? I don't know if I can look in the mirror and say I know who I am anymore. I don't know who is looking back. I know who I want to become. 

I want to become a success, happier, and feel stronger. 

I want to regain who I am and what I have lost.

I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I'm tired of feeling as though nothing I do is right. 

I want to become a better person for myself. I want to strive for more for myself. I want to push myself for me. I want to feel understood and loved. 

Writing this just makes me want to cry and I'm not even sure why. I don't know if its because I have come to this realization or I'm truly lost.

On a positive note, I know things will get better because I'm choosing now to stop wallowing in self-pity and do something about it. 

That's that, Ciao!

Billy Joel

This past Wednesday I was finally able to see Billy Joel at Madison Square Garden. It's been one of those things that I've been wanting to do for awhile now. I've been listening to his music for years now! In fact one of my tattoos is inspired by his song, "Vienna." His music, his songs struck such a chord within me. It brings me back to a time and a place in my life that I can think of so fondly. I am so glad I had the opportunity to go! Next, is seeing Elton John in his farewell tour. :)

Snow!

(Cheesy picture of me taken when I went skiing.) 

So I've been slacking when it comes to trying to lose weight. One day I'm all onboard and the next I'm eating like there's no tomorrow. I'm going to attempt to go to the gym and begin to eat healthy. One way or another I'm going to reach my goal. Besides that, I've been applying to jobs and (ah!) it snowed again. This weather is really fickle! I'm hoping it begins to look up so I can hit the track and run. Here's to working out and being healthy! 

Ramen and more

Here is some gratuitous food porn! I am trying to watch my weight because I managed to gain about 15 extra pounds. I've been trying to watch my portions because I really want to go back to the weight I was most comfortable in. But its hard to do so when you have all these different temptations at your disposal. I have to think of the end goal and have more discipline. How hard do you find it to not give into your desires? 

You must think that I'm a fool, You must think that I am new to this...

Images from the last time I went snowboarding. It was a disaster of sorts but I made it out alive. Triumph! I might need all the luck I can get, so wish me luck this time around. I am currently listening to Sam Smith "Too Good for Goodbyes" (Eargasm) On a side note Elton John's tickets are currently on sale (gah! Must get it before they all sell out and it's his last tour "gasp.")

I'm going to go back to listening to music and binge watch Netflix movies xD. 

Rainy Days

I' have been trying to get back into the swing of things when it comes to blogging. 

I know, I know. I always say the same thing over and over. But it's been on my mind to start. I want to get my mind off of job searching or lack thereof. You would think in a city so big that it would be easy, but it's really not. I have been getting recruiters approach me but to no avail either I blow the phone interview or they never get back to me. I'm doing something wrong or maybe it's just not meant to be. I hate that term it's so cliche but in this case I'll make the exception. 

What's going on with me?

1. Applying to places anywhere, anything, is okay with me.

2. Been thinking of picking up sewing

3. Trying to blog (going back and forth on it.)

4. Overthinking things which leads to nowhere. I need to just relax and enjoy life.

5. Trying to get back into shape because I've gained about 15 or so pounds. (Sigh) 

6. Today it rained so bad that many of the trains were delayed. I got out of work at 5 and I didn't make it back home until 7:30! Thanks NJ weather, 

That's it for now. I'm working on updating frequently. Even if it kills me. No matter how mundane!!!

Bleach

I've been trying to sketch more often because I want to be able to start my own comic. (digitally primarily) It's been a process from pencils, markers, thicker markers, and hopefully being able to buy myself (copic markers). Anyone who knows/uses these markers has a grasp on how expensive and worth it they are. The final step after that would be to start practicing on my Wacom tablet and by then have a concept/ of what I want my comic to be about. 

Sketch

I've always wanted to incorporate some type of illustration into this blog but never got around to doing it frequently. I've been trying to practice sketching more in order to somehow use my Wacom tablet. It gets difficult for me to draw on the computer without having scanned an image I drew. 

(My goal as of now is to make my own comic.) 

If possible. 

Comic Con

                  

                  

                 

v            v 

                  

                 

These pictures have been on my phone since October. I really wanted to post them but I had no time with school, work, and interning. Anyways, this year's con was so much fun! I was able to see a skew of people from John Krasinski, Matt Damon, the whole cast of The Walking Dead, and Rebecca Sugar. I am so ready to go next year and hopefully purchase tickets to go to San Diego Comic Con. 

The inner nerd in me would be beyond thrilled.

Holiday Spirit

                          

(courtesy of me)

I feel like this year has been such a whirlwind. It felt like it went by so fast but at the same time it felt like it dragged on. The only thing I'm most looking forward to is finally graduating from college. I have been in school for over 6 years on and off again. Which made me feel like I would never get to the end. Now that it is nearing I'm more stressed than ever. It's the prospect of looking for a job after graduation that has me the most worried. I've slowly been applying to places but its hard when all you've learned and experienced has only been in the classroom. You see job postings for over (3-5) years of experience in my field (Marketing). Come on, really! Plus, its more who you know than what your level of experience is. I read somewhere that in Marketing there is an 80% chance of getting hired after graduating. (Crossing my fingers here) That I am in that percentage. I've been looking into forums and columns about landing a job. (Me being proactive about it all). 

It's not only job stress that has me freaking out. But knowing that I'm done I mean I have been in a school environment for so long that it will take time to adjust. (Good thing is with school over I can binge watch shows!)

Thinking of what I am going to do post graduation has gotten me to think on what I can or should be doing while I find something that I hope to like (job wise). That perhaps I should focus some of my attention onto blogging sharing and posting on my journey: thoughts/feelings/whatever the case may be. Yup, here's to updating frequently. (Hopefully). 

Thinking about getting....

Black, Items, Summer by vanesacruz featuring clear eyeglasses

Black open shoulder top / H&M overalls shorts, $23 / Accessorize oxford lace up shoes / Adidas purse, $5.09 / Bling Jewelry leaf pendant necklace / Clear eyeglass / Seville Classics Expandable Closet Organizer System

Above are a couple of items I've been wanting.

1. Glasses in the style listed and in black. But I recently purchased a purple pair but have been thinking about getting a black one in my prescription.
2. A key necklace that is simple with a long chain.
3. A pair of oxfords because who doesn't need one?
4. Overalls, although I am not sure how it would look on me. I do not want to look any younger than I come across but their ridiculously cute.
5. A simple black tote bag to dump all my belongings in.
6. A cute black t-shirt with cut off sleeves and a flower print because I can pair it with anything.
7. An organizer to put all my clothes in that are overflowing in my closet. 

Ya, you never said a word , you never sent me a letter

Prayer in C has been playing on repeat on my Spotify constantly.  I blame my brother for that because he played that song so much it got stuck on my head.  

Anyways, Summer days call for days in the lake.

Tattoo

I finally got my first tattoo on my 22nd birthday. I first got the words, 'Slow down' on my actual birthday. Then a couple of days later I got the birds. Getting these tattoos makes me want to get even more. Theres a couple that I'm mulling over on how they should look and trying to imagine 

it before I get it done.

The words on my wrist I have been wanting ever since I was in high school but never got around to it. The birds were on a whim, but I really love it. I'm thinking of having it connect to another piece on my other arm. I just want to think over what piece I should get done first. I'm not sure if I want to continue with black on my arm or having color instead. I don't want to rush into anything and it won't go with my other tattoos. 

I just can't believe I was finally able to go through with it. :)