Thursday, April 12, 2018

Thoughts

As I write this my little sister (who is no longer 'little' because she's taller) is listening to Disney songs. I'm having another epiphany! I was walking home today and I started thinking about how I feel. I want to be happier and feel as though I am fulfilled. I'm tired (not just the regular tired) I just feel like I'm exhausted of life. I want things to go right but make bad choices. I want to be happy but I don't try to change. I want to do so many things but I don't. I'm tired of everything. Which isn't true. I'm just tired of over-analyzing things and putting myself down. I'm tired of feeling sad over things that might or might not be in my control. I just want to live. (I know, I know I am). But I just think happiness is so fleeting. I think the times I was most happiest is when I felt that I was working towards something. Maybe that's not even true. I'm not sure anymore. I do remember sometimes that I have felt sad, lonely, and lost. I wanted to just isolate myself and not talk to anyone. It also helped to fake it. To fake being a certain way and being able to just go day by day until my feelings changed. 
 But now I feel the same as before and I don't know how to get out of it. I want to be able to wake up and feel like myself again. Do I even know how that is? I don't know if I can look in the mirror and say I know who I am anymore. I don't know who is looking back. I know who I want to become. 
I want to become a success, happier, and feel stronger. 
I want to regain who I am and what I have lost.
I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I'm tired of feeling as though nothing I do is right. 
I want to become a better person for myself. I want to strive for more for myself. I want to push myself for me. I want to feel understood and loved. 
Writing this just makes me want to cry and I'm not even sure why. I don't know if its because I have come to this realization or I'm truly lost.
On a positive note, I know things will get better because I'm choosing now to stop wallowing in self-pity and do something about it. 
That's that, Ciao!